It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
