He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
