i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize