Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
