Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize