I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
