Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize