Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
