I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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