I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
