I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
