but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
