And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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