I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
