I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
