he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
