I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
