I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
