Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Two words: nipple clamps
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