apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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