don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
