Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
