omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My butt remains clenched, sir.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
