Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
