Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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