i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
