i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
