I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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