hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
