So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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