swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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