I am full of burrito and curiosity
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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