I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
