If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
