I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So vagazzling was a success
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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