it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
