I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
