if you like me you must not know who I am
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
