if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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