Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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