My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
time to smoke my breakfast
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
