I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
