If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
