WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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