I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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