how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
