Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
