dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize