you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
