It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
