I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
