I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
