Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
