a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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