Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
