But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
